Should I post about this?

Lauren’s cozy sweater selfie.

I debated posting about my health.

I’m feeling a lot better since my symptoms went from mild to moderate to severe this summer. Shouldn’t I just focus on that fact that I’m feeling better? My inner bully told me I should be afraid of showing myself as weak. And for a while I was - physically weak! So fatigued and brain fogged that I couldn’t even find the words to talk about this weird thing I was experiencing. But being able to tell the truth is not a sign of weakness. Hiding in the shadows gives power to the things that make us feel shame.

If we only use social media to post when things are good, we paint a picture that things are always good. Which is deceptive because life doesn’t always feel good. It feels shitty sometimes. And it’s ok for us to be honest. 

I watched a docuseries this week called Anatomy of Lies, about a writer on “Grey's Anatomy” who made up stories about her own medical history and traumas that weren’t true. Not only did she post about it on posted about it on social media but she made her identity about being the one who survived cancer, abuse, traumatic events, etc. that didn’t happen. It gave me pause- is that what I’m doing? Am I making my identity about being unwell for people’s attention?

No, I’m not. I only post about my truth and what I am or have experienced. But I don’t look at my recent unwellness as part of my identity. I’m experiencing unwellness but I am not an unwell person. That’s not how I see myself. I have clients who have said “I am an anxious person.” what I want to help them see is they are a person who experiences anxious feelings. It moves through them.

I identify as a disabled person because I have permanent deafness. I am deaf. I have an ADHD and dyslexic brain. Those don’t go away. I have processed my own internalized ableism around these things. I have taken pride in, though hard at times because of the world we live in, how these things have helped shape me and the power I have: my experience of the world- which has a lot of value. 

Part of the reason I’ve been in therapy is because I have experienced a lot of anxious feelings and heartbreak around being unwell. And not knowing how long it was going to be until I felt better, if I was going to feel better. I’m a pro worst case scenario-er. I’m processing my own internalized ableism around getting sick and having to make different decisions because of it. And I’m now able to see it move through me (though slowly). I am more willing to accept help. I’m more willing to say no to protect my energy. 

Should I use the word “sick” to describe my experience if what I had is still a mystery? Am I being alarmist? I say yes I can use that language because for a time my symptoms were severe, my body sent me signals that something was wrong in the form of symptoms. The diagnosis surrounding the perfect storm of events and stress and lingering COVID effects and who knows what else doesn’t overshadow the fact that it was incredibly uncomfortable, debilitating, and yes even scary at times. Should I not talk about that because I am feeling better now and only focus on how I’m out of just-survival mode? That would be me hiding the truth - there were parts that were really shitty too.

Also in comparing my actions to those of the compulsive liar in Anatomy of Lies, I know I’m not talking about my health because I crave people’s empathy. I know I’m loved. I know there are people who care about me and want to know what’s going on with me, regardless of whether the news is good or not. 

More importantly, I love myself. That’s the reason don’t NEED to post for other people’s attention. I’m not addicted to people’s attention. I post because I love my people. And I know sharing how I’ve been doing, how I’ve REALLY been doing, is me saying, “I care enough about you fellow humans to tell you the truth”. That’s not how everyone expresses love, but that’s how I do it. And the people who care about me are going to want to know, not just when things are rainbows and butterflies and new jobs and promotions and new car and sparkly and shiny. They aren’t going to judge me and assume I am just attention seeking. If they are, they are just revealing what they worry people will think of them if they do speak out. That’s not my problem but theirs.

I say B.F.F.R. (be fucking for real), even on social media.

And no one should police your social media and how you choose to show up, especially if you are speaking your truth and being authentic. 

In a world that tells us to stay silent, unless things are palatable and unacceptable and healthy, it’s a radical act to just B.F.F.R. We need more of that. Thanks for being real with me!