When lacking confidence and over-confidence are the same thing
At the heart of everything I do, I am and always have been a confidence coach. Just through the lens of helping thoughtful, values-driven professionals through career development. But there are different flavors of confidence I want to touch on:
Image of a text message reads “I need to get over my self loathing” Text response from Lauren says “In my experience, this changes everything. This changes the way you see the world and how your move through it. This changes your self-perception and how you handle challenges and uncertainty. This changes how your cells function and how your energy vibrates within and around your body. And it changes how people perceive you and interact with you and the impact you make on your loved ones and community. They can feel it. It’s all energy! Are you working with any care workers on this now? Can I support you with recommended care workers to help you with this? Or support you some other way?”
Typically, people come to me because they want to be more confident in their career.
But what about when the pendulum swings too far in the other direction? What about the people who are so confident, it actually reads cocky or arrogant? What about people who are overly confident that they have trouble with interpersonal connections?
In my opinion, in general, lack of confidence and that kind of overconfidence are actually the same thing. Or rather they come from the same place.
When someone feels the need to boast, talk often about their accomplishments, bring the conversation back to themselves - it can be because, deep down, they don’t feel good enough or lack a sense of belonging. So that turns into pressure to IMPRESS as if that may convince others and (perhaps themselves) that they do belong. To me, this isn’t real confidence. This is a performance to cover up their self-doubt and fear of not belonging.
And coming off as conceded and self-absorbed doesn’t build a sense of CONNECTION with others, which is the secret sauce for belonging.
Now imagine being in conversation with that person you know who is so grounded, their confidence is radiant, it’s magnetic. You feel safe with them because you get the sense they really care about you and ask you genuine questions. They don’t need to suck all the air out of the room, but they don’t have a problem taking up space and being audacious, either. That comes from a place of self-compassion, self-assurance, and self-trust. Those are the leaders we want because they seek connection and understanding and make us feel seen. That builds trust.
How do I know this?
Because I’ve been all over the spectrum of self-loathing throughout my life, including that obnoxiously cocky, boasty kid who thought I needed to impress people in order to earn their love and friendship. It turns out that’s a fast track to loneliness and confusion about why you don’t have any friends. I did *have* friends, but that didn’t mean I felt a sense of belonging and safety with those friends. It wasn’t until college that I got a clean slate to be more me and meet people I felt those deep, meaningful connections with.
But before that, I needed a big wake-up call. That call came at 17, when my therapist told me what I really needed to hear: I sounded like a snob! Ha! And since I was so concerned with being the best, I finally understood what’s meant by “it’s lonely at the top”. The shock of hearing those words outloud and knowing thats not how I want to be was a turning point in my life.
Image of Lauren standing confidently against a blue wall with a slight smile, colorful glasses, purple blazer, pink sweater and earrings.
I can say proudly that even in moments of self-doubt these days, my self-compassion is way louder. I wouldn’t say I did a complete 180 and now I’m the most humble person in the world. 😁
No, “humble” is definitely not a word I would use to describe myself. But when I brag (which I think *can* be a healthy thing to do!) it’s because I’m genuinely proud of myself, and delighted with what I have created, not because I hate myself. And that energy hits different. It feels different to others, too.
And as a personal exercise to put things into perspective: When I imagine my funeral, I feel loved knowing that I have such deep connections with people who I know would show up and say some really lovely things about me and the impact I made on them. I feel that in my heart and soul. Morbid? Maybe! Heartwarming? Yes.
I went from cocky and performing all the time to whatever this [goofy gesture towards self] is now, which feels so much fucking better; not perfect but certainly more self-assured, self-compassionate, and self-loving.
I say this because I feel this in my fucking bones:
I want this feeling for you too. This is why I do what I do. And it is 100% possible. And I’ve developed my skillset and found I’m really good at helping others get there, in a way that *uniquely* works for them. It’s deeply impactful and fun as hell!
Yeah, I’ll brag about that 😁🫶
Want to transform your confidence so you can take on any career challenge (and beyond) and stay true to yourself? Let’s chat. Set up an exploratory session and let’s get to know each other.
