When nice people make bad bosses (and what to do about it)
I hear this a lot from coaching clients considering leaving their jobs because of a bad boss: "My boss isn't a bad person, they just don't know how to manage people and it's problematic.”
"Bad bosses" are typically nice people.
There are exceptions, OF COURSE. But I’m talking about a large group of well-intentioned people who turn out to be not-so-great at managing other people. And it doesn’t feel good for those being managed poorly.
What I also hear among clients: "My management gaslit me," "I cry every day because of my bosses," "I am traumatized from past managers and in therapy because of it." My heart hurts when I hear this.
So how do nice people become bad bosses?
Well, they give in to Toxic Professionalism. And it affects everyone around them.
They may lack self-awareness and authentic compassion because they often don’t extend that to themselves.
They may have been taught that the only way to survive in leadership is to compete and manipulate, which means they operate out of fear.
They may project their fears onto their team, rather than leading with a shared vision.
They may not own up to their mistakes because they don't have a sense of psychological safety at work - meaning they fear the negative consequences of their mishap if their boss is made aware of it, rather than apologizing, recognizing it as a personal growth opportunity.
I could go on...
The point is that our bosses and coworkers can be generally nice people AND uphold the toxic culture and oppression systems, unknowingly. And we can have compassion for them, while also respecting our own needs and boundaries.
I help “Kindfinders” (what I call my clients) understand how the pressures of toxic careerism has impacted them. They learn to give themselves self-compassion - beyond just conceptually KNOWING that self-compassion is good for you, but rather how to practically apply it everyday - and in realizing they were taught to operate under these pressures. In result they have an easier time extending compassion to those around them who are suffering from the same pressures. This is a part of Kind Careerism.
But let’s say that you've got a really toxic boss. What are your options?
You stick it out, don't say anything, and suffer.
hm, NOPE.
You talk to your boss to explain what your needs are. If they can accommodate, then you'll stay.
But - a big BUT - even if a few things change, you may still resent that boss for how they've treated you in the past. And perhaps you’ll resent the company for allowing this person to still be a manager.
You can try transferring to a different team if you still vibe with the organization and that’s viable.
Something to consider if it energizes you to move to a new team, and your would-be boss is supportive of you.
You give yourself a timestamp - an expiration date - and you plan your escape route from this job.
Time to break up. This may sound harsh, but is it worth the suffering? No time like the present to find some greener pastures.
Here is the truth:
You are worthy of managers that put in the work to be more self-aware and can put their own fears into perspective.
You are worthy of managers invested in your well-being and success.
You are worthy of getting your reasonable needs accommodated at work.
You. Are. Worthy.
If you are looking for a change, want the support of a compassionate Career Strategist & Coach (it me!) that genuinely cares about you, I invite you to learn more about the Career Crossroads. It's designed to help kind-hearted professionals and multipassionate changemakers figure out what's next in their career adventure AND learn tools to navigate the change with self-compassion and confidence.
Make career decisions that are kind to you, kind to others, and challenge the unkind.
Together, let's shift to ✨Kind Careerism✨
